21.12.05
20.12.05
Santa isn't connected
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
19.12.05
Didn't use the gift
One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
15.12.05
Camel hitching
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have the camel." The Captain says, "can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges", so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?", No. Not really, sir... They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
The nervous sergeant said, Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have the camel." The Captain says, "can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges", so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?", No. Not really, sir... They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
7.12.05
Everything is Big in Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
29.11.05
Missing Husband
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
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19.11.05
Hollráð
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" "Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
16.11.05
Úr minningargreinum
· Hann giftist eftirlifandi eiginkonu sinni og átu þau tvö börn.
· Gönguferðin þeirra varð styttri en menn vonuðu. Banvænn sjúkdómur beið hennar bak við stein og sló hana fljótt til jarðar.
· Hún hafði það sterka skapgerð að smávegis rigningarsuddi setti hana ekki úr jafnvægi.
· Hann var sannur íslendingur og dó á 17. júní.
· Þrátt fyrir góða greind gekk hún aldrei í kvenfélag.
· Það er löngu vitað mál að bestu og skemmtilegustu vinina eignast maður í lúðrasveit.
· Hann skrapp úr vinnu til að fara í þrekpróf í Hjartavernd, en kom þaðan liðið lík.
· Ég bið þann sem lífið gaf að hugga, styrkja og bæta aðstandendum skaðann.
· Tók hann fráfall konu sinnar mjög nærri sér vegna barnanna.
· Þar voru m.a. María Rögnvaldsdóttir og Guðrún Sigurðardóttir frá Folafæti. Enda þótt María væri þá hálfslæm í fæti lék hún við hvern sinn fingur.
· Helga lést svo þennan dag kl. 4. Helga hafði ætlað að eyða þessum degi í annað.
· Í dag kveðjum við kæran samstarfsmann og félaga. Hann tók sér tveggja daga frí til að kveðja þennan heim.
· Og má segja að ekki setti hún svo skál með tvíbökum á borð að ekki stafaði af því mýkt og listfengi.
· Orð þessi eru skrifuð til að flytja Sveini (líkinu) kveðju og þakkir frá tengdafólki hans og ekki síður frá tengdamóður hans, þótt nú nálgist 20. árið frá fráfalli hennar.
· Hún bjó manni sínum gott heimili og ól honum 9 hraust börn, þar af tvö á sjómannadaginn.
· Ágústa giftist ekki og eiginaðist ekki börn í venjulegum skilningi þess orðs.
· Á þessum fjölbreytta lífsferli sínum kynntist Guðjón mörgum mönnum af ýmsum þjóðernum, þ. á m. Indíánum og Kínverjum. Hann lærði tungumál þeirra að meira eða minna leyti, einkum þó ensku og norðurlandamálin.
· Gönguferðin þeirra varð styttri en menn vonuðu. Banvænn sjúkdómur beið hennar bak við stein og sló hana fljótt til jarðar.
· Hún hafði það sterka skapgerð að smávegis rigningarsuddi setti hana ekki úr jafnvægi.
· Hann var sannur íslendingur og dó á 17. júní.
· Þrátt fyrir góða greind gekk hún aldrei í kvenfélag.
· Það er löngu vitað mál að bestu og skemmtilegustu vinina eignast maður í lúðrasveit.
· Hann skrapp úr vinnu til að fara í þrekpróf í Hjartavernd, en kom þaðan liðið lík.
· Ég bið þann sem lífið gaf að hugga, styrkja og bæta aðstandendum skaðann.
· Tók hann fráfall konu sinnar mjög nærri sér vegna barnanna.
· Þar voru m.a. María Rögnvaldsdóttir og Guðrún Sigurðardóttir frá Folafæti. Enda þótt María væri þá hálfslæm í fæti lék hún við hvern sinn fingur.
· Helga lést svo þennan dag kl. 4. Helga hafði ætlað að eyða þessum degi í annað.
· Í dag kveðjum við kæran samstarfsmann og félaga. Hann tók sér tveggja daga frí til að kveðja þennan heim.
· Og má segja að ekki setti hún svo skál með tvíbökum á borð að ekki stafaði af því mýkt og listfengi.
· Orð þessi eru skrifuð til að flytja Sveini (líkinu) kveðju og þakkir frá tengdafólki hans og ekki síður frá tengdamóður hans, þótt nú nálgist 20. árið frá fráfalli hennar.
· Hún bjó manni sínum gott heimili og ól honum 9 hraust börn, þar af tvö á sjómannadaginn.
· Ágústa giftist ekki og eiginaðist ekki börn í venjulegum skilningi þess orðs.
· Á þessum fjölbreytta lífsferli sínum kynntist Guðjón mörgum mönnum af ýmsum þjóðernum, þ. á m. Indíánum og Kínverjum. Hann lærði tungumál þeirra að meira eða minna leyti, einkum þó ensku og norðurlandamálin.
15.11.05
Einn heppinn
Maður nokkur stóð á hærra stökkbrettinu í Sundhöllinni og var alveg að fara að stinga sér þegar sundvörðurinn kallar til hans: Ekki stökkva! Ekki stökkva!! Það er ekkert vatn í lauginni!! Maðurinn var snöggur til svars og sagði: Það var heppilegt, ég kann nefnilega ekki að synda.
7.11.05
5 lektioner i erhvervslivet
Lektion 1: En mand går ind i badet netop som hans hustru forlader det -dørklokken ringer. Hustruen slynger et håndklæde omkring sig og løber nedenunder.Da hun åbner døren, står naboen Bob udenfor. Før hun når at sigenoget, siger Bob"jeg giver dig 800 kroner hvis du smider håndklædet". Hun tænker over det et øjeblik og smider håndklædet og står nøgenforan Bob.Efter få sekunder giver Bob hende 800 kroner og går. Kvindentager håndklædet på igenog går ovenpå. Da hun kommer ind på badeværelset, spørger hendes mand "Hvem vardet?""Det var Bob" svarer hun"Perfekt", siger manden, "sagde han noget om de 800 kroner hanskylder mig?"
Moralen: Hvis du deler vigtige informationer omkring udeståendeogrisici med aktionærerne, er du muligvis i stand til at undgåunødvendig afsløring.
Lektion 2: En præst tilbyder en nonne et lift. Hun sætter sig ind, krydser benene så hun kommer til at visenoget af benet. Præsten er ved at køre galt. Efter at have fået kontrol overbilen igen, lader hanen hånd glide op af hendes ben. Nonnen siger "Fader, husk salme 129"Præsten fjerner sin hånd, men da han skifter gear lader han igenhånden glide opaf hendes ben. Igen siger nonnen "Fader, husk salme 129"Præsten undskylder " Undskyld Søster, men kødet er svagt"Da de kommer til klosteret, går nonnen sin vej. Da præsten kommer til kirken, skynder han sig at slå salme 129op. Der står "Gå fremad og søg højere oppe - og du vil opleve himlen".
Moralen: Hvis du ikke holder dig vel informeret i dit job,risikerer du at gå glipaf store muligheder.
Lektion 3: En sælger, en kontorassistent og chefen er på vej til frokost, dade finder enantik olielampe. De gnider på den og en ånd kommer ud.Ånden siger "Jeg giver jer hver ét ønske""Mig først, mig først" siger kontorassistenten"Jeg vil til Bahamas, sejle rundt i en speedbåd og slet ikkeskulle tænke overlivets problemer" - POOF - væk er hun"Mig nu, mig nu" siger sælgeren. "Jeg vil til Hawaii - slappe afpå stranden med egenpersonlig massøse og uendeligt mange Pina Colada - og mit livskærlighed" - POOF -han er væk"OK, så er det dig" siger ånden til chefenChefen siger "Jeg vil have de to tilbage på kontoret efterfrokost"
Moralen: Lad altid chefen tale først !!
Lektion 4: En krage sidder i et træ og dovner den hele dagen. En kanin spørger ham "Kan jeg også sidde som dig og laveingenting hele dagen?"Kragen svarer "Tja, hvorfor ikke ?"Kaninen satte sig på jorden under kragen og slappede af. En ræv sprang på kaninen og åd den.
Moralen: For at sidde og lave ingenting, skal man sidde temmelighøjt oppe.
Lektion 5: En kalkun stod og sludrede med en tyr"Jeg ville virkelig ønske at jeg kunne komme op i toppen af dettræ" sukkedekalkunen "men jeg har ikke energien til det""Hvorfor spiser du ikke lidt af mine kasser" svarede tyren. "Deer fyldt med energi"Kalkunen spiste lidt af en klump kokasse og opdagede at han fikstyrken til at nå denlaveste gren i træet.Den efterfølgende dag spiste han lidt mere af kokassen og nåededen anden gren. Endelig - efter 14 dage - sad han stolt i toppen af træet. Der gik ikke længe før han blev opdaget af bonden, som skødkalkunen ned fra træet.
Moralen: "Bullshit" får dig måske til tops, men det holder digikke deroppe.
Moralen: Hvis du deler vigtige informationer omkring udeståendeogrisici med aktionærerne, er du muligvis i stand til at undgåunødvendig afsløring.
Lektion 2: En præst tilbyder en nonne et lift. Hun sætter sig ind, krydser benene så hun kommer til at visenoget af benet. Præsten er ved at køre galt. Efter at have fået kontrol overbilen igen, lader hanen hånd glide op af hendes ben. Nonnen siger "Fader, husk salme 129"Præsten fjerner sin hånd, men da han skifter gear lader han igenhånden glide opaf hendes ben. Igen siger nonnen "Fader, husk salme 129"Præsten undskylder " Undskyld Søster, men kødet er svagt"Da de kommer til klosteret, går nonnen sin vej. Da præsten kommer til kirken, skynder han sig at slå salme 129op. Der står "Gå fremad og søg højere oppe - og du vil opleve himlen".
Moralen: Hvis du ikke holder dig vel informeret i dit job,risikerer du at gå glipaf store muligheder.
Lektion 3: En sælger, en kontorassistent og chefen er på vej til frokost, dade finder enantik olielampe. De gnider på den og en ånd kommer ud.Ånden siger "Jeg giver jer hver ét ønske""Mig først, mig først" siger kontorassistenten"Jeg vil til Bahamas, sejle rundt i en speedbåd og slet ikkeskulle tænke overlivets problemer" - POOF - væk er hun"Mig nu, mig nu" siger sælgeren. "Jeg vil til Hawaii - slappe afpå stranden med egenpersonlig massøse og uendeligt mange Pina Colada - og mit livskærlighed" - POOF -han er væk"OK, så er det dig" siger ånden til chefenChefen siger "Jeg vil have de to tilbage på kontoret efterfrokost"
Moralen: Lad altid chefen tale først !!
Lektion 4: En krage sidder i et træ og dovner den hele dagen. En kanin spørger ham "Kan jeg også sidde som dig og laveingenting hele dagen?"Kragen svarer "Tja, hvorfor ikke ?"Kaninen satte sig på jorden under kragen og slappede af. En ræv sprang på kaninen og åd den.
Moralen: For at sidde og lave ingenting, skal man sidde temmelighøjt oppe.
Lektion 5: En kalkun stod og sludrede med en tyr"Jeg ville virkelig ønske at jeg kunne komme op i toppen af dettræ" sukkedekalkunen "men jeg har ikke energien til det""Hvorfor spiser du ikke lidt af mine kasser" svarede tyren. "Deer fyldt med energi"Kalkunen spiste lidt af en klump kokasse og opdagede at han fikstyrken til at nå denlaveste gren i træet.Den efterfølgende dag spiste han lidt mere af kokassen og nåededen anden gren. Endelig - efter 14 dage - sad han stolt i toppen af træet. Der gik ikke længe før han blev opdaget af bonden, som skødkalkunen ned fra træet.
Moralen: "Bullshit" får dig måske til tops, men det holder digikke deroppe.
3.11.05
Hitatafla fyrir Noreg
+15°C / 59°F - This is as warm as it gets in Norway, so we'll start here. People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves. The Norwegians are out in the sun, getting a tan.
+10°C / 50°F - The French are trying in vain to start their central heating. The Norwegians plant flowers in their gardens.
+5°C / 41°F - Italian cars won't start. The Norwegians are cruising in cabriolets.
0°C / 32°F - Distilled water freezes.The water in Oslo Fjord gets a little thicker.
-5°C / 23°F - People in California almost freeze to death. The Norwegians have their final barbeque before winter.
-10°C / 14°F - The Brits start the heat in their houses. The Norwegians start using long sleeves.
-20°C / -4°F - The Aussies flee from Mallorca. The Norwegians end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.
-30°C / -22°F - People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth. The Norwegians start drying their laundry indoors.
-40°C / -40°F - Paris start cracking in the cold. The Norwegians stand in line at the hotdog stands.
-50°C / -58°F - Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole. The Norwegian army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.
-70°C / -94°F - The false Santa moves south. The Norwegian army goes out on winter survival training.
-183°C / -297.4°F - Microbes in food don't survive. The Norwegian cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.
-273°C / -459.4°F - ALL atom-based movent halts.The Norwegians start saying "Faen, it's cold outside today."
-300°C / -508°F - Hell freezes over. Norway wins the Eurovision Song Contest.
+10°C / 50°F - The French are trying in vain to start their central heating. The Norwegians plant flowers in their gardens.
+5°C / 41°F - Italian cars won't start. The Norwegians are cruising in cabriolets.
0°C / 32°F - Distilled water freezes.The water in Oslo Fjord gets a little thicker.
-5°C / 23°F - People in California almost freeze to death. The Norwegians have their final barbeque before winter.
-10°C / 14°F - The Brits start the heat in their houses. The Norwegians start using long sleeves.
-20°C / -4°F - The Aussies flee from Mallorca. The Norwegians end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.
-30°C / -22°F - People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth. The Norwegians start drying their laundry indoors.
-40°C / -40°F - Paris start cracking in the cold. The Norwegians stand in line at the hotdog stands.
-50°C / -58°F - Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole. The Norwegian army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.
-70°C / -94°F - The false Santa moves south. The Norwegian army goes out on winter survival training.
-183°C / -297.4°F - Microbes in food don't survive. The Norwegian cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.
-273°C / -459.4°F - ALL atom-based movent halts.The Norwegians start saying "Faen, it's cold outside today."
-300°C / -508°F - Hell freezes over. Norway wins the Eurovision Song Contest.
Misheppnaðar auglýsingaherferðir
Amerískt lyfjafyrirtæki ákvað að markaðssetja verkjalyf í ónefndu landi í Afríku. Þeir gerðu sér grein fyrir því að einungis 15% þjóðarinnar var læs. Þeir ákváðu því að sýna tilgang lyfsins með 3 myndum...... sú fyrsta sýndi mann með mikinn hausverk.... sú næsta sýndi mann taka pillu.... Sú síðasta sýndi manninn brosa. Sala lyfsins gekk hins vegar mjög illa og var langt undir væntingum. Síðar komust þeir að því að í viðkomandi landi var lesið frá hægri til vinstri!
Í Kína auglýstu KFC kjúklinga og þýddu slagorðið sitt sem er á ensku "finger-licking good" en þýðingin heppnaðist ekki betur en svo að útkoman þýddi "borðið af ykkur puttana".
Colgate kynnti nýtt tannkrem í Frakklandi undir nafninu "Cue" en það er nafn á frægasta klámblaðinu þar í landi.
Texti úr glugga hjá sænskum klæðskera:"Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."
Skilti við inngang í musteri í Bangkok:"It is forbidden to enter a woman even foreigner if dressed as a man."
Skilti á bar í Tokyo:"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
Skilti á ferðaskrifstofu í Kaupmannahöfn:"We take your bags and send them in all directions."
Skilti á norskum bar:"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
Skilti við búr í dýragarðinum í Budapest:"Please do not feed animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
Skilti hjá lækni í Róm:"Specialist in women and other diseases."
Coors bjór notar slagorðið "Turn it loose" á ensku, þeir gerðu auglýsingu á spænsku og þýddu frasann beint, útkoman varð "Þjáðstu af niðurgang".
Fyrirtækið Electrolux notaði eftirfarandi slagorð í Bandaríkjunum fyrir ryksugur: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".
Salem sígarettufyrirtækið gerði herferð í Japan með slagorðinu "Salem-Feeling Free", en þegar það var þýtt yfir á japönsku kom það út: "Þegar þú reykir Salem, verðurðu svo ferskur að hugurinn á þér virðist vera frjáls og tómur."
Amerískur bolaframleiðandi á Miami prentaði boli á spænsku vegna heimsóknar Páfans. Í staðinn fyrir "Ég sá páfann" (el Papa) stóð "Ég sáði kartöflum"(la papa).
Í Ítalíu var herferð fyrir Schweppes Tonic vatn þýtt sem "Shweppes klósettvatn".
Slagorðið hjá Pepsi "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" var þýtt sem"Pepsi vekur forfeður ykkar úr gröfinni" á kínversku.
Parker fyrirtækið markaðssetti kúlupenna í Mexikó og auglýsingin átti að segja "Hann lekur ekki í vasann hjá þér og gerir þig skömmustulegann" en þeir héldu að orðið "embarazar" á spænsku hefði sömu merkingu og orðið "embarrass" á ensku. Í staðinn hljómaði auglýsingin á þann veg: "Hann lekur ekki í vasann hjá þér og gerir þig ólétta".
Coca Cola bjó til þúsundir af skiltum með frasanum "Ke-kou-ke-la" í kínversku letri en það þýddi "meri fyllt með vaxi" eftir mikla rannsókn með kínverskum aðilum á 40 þúsund táknum í Kína kom svo í ljós að "ko-kou-ko-le" þýðir "hamingja í munni".
Í Kína auglýstu KFC kjúklinga og þýddu slagorðið sitt sem er á ensku "finger-licking good" en þýðingin heppnaðist ekki betur en svo að útkoman þýddi "borðið af ykkur puttana".
Colgate kynnti nýtt tannkrem í Frakklandi undir nafninu "Cue" en það er nafn á frægasta klámblaðinu þar í landi.
Texti úr glugga hjá sænskum klæðskera:"Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."
Skilti við inngang í musteri í Bangkok:"It is forbidden to enter a woman even foreigner if dressed as a man."
Skilti á bar í Tokyo:"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
Skilti á ferðaskrifstofu í Kaupmannahöfn:"We take your bags and send them in all directions."
Skilti á norskum bar:"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
Skilti við búr í dýragarðinum í Budapest:"Please do not feed animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
Skilti hjá lækni í Róm:"Specialist in women and other diseases."
Coors bjór notar slagorðið "Turn it loose" á ensku, þeir gerðu auglýsingu á spænsku og þýddu frasann beint, útkoman varð "Þjáðstu af niðurgang".
Fyrirtækið Electrolux notaði eftirfarandi slagorð í Bandaríkjunum fyrir ryksugur: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".
Salem sígarettufyrirtækið gerði herferð í Japan með slagorðinu "Salem-Feeling Free", en þegar það var þýtt yfir á japönsku kom það út: "Þegar þú reykir Salem, verðurðu svo ferskur að hugurinn á þér virðist vera frjáls og tómur."
Amerískur bolaframleiðandi á Miami prentaði boli á spænsku vegna heimsóknar Páfans. Í staðinn fyrir "Ég sá páfann" (el Papa) stóð "Ég sáði kartöflum"(la papa).
Í Ítalíu var herferð fyrir Schweppes Tonic vatn þýtt sem "Shweppes klósettvatn".
Slagorðið hjá Pepsi "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" var þýtt sem"Pepsi vekur forfeður ykkar úr gröfinni" á kínversku.
Parker fyrirtækið markaðssetti kúlupenna í Mexikó og auglýsingin átti að segja "Hann lekur ekki í vasann hjá þér og gerir þig skömmustulegann" en þeir héldu að orðið "embarazar" á spænsku hefði sömu merkingu og orðið "embarrass" á ensku. Í staðinn hljómaði auglýsingin á þann veg: "Hann lekur ekki í vasann hjá þér og gerir þig ólétta".
Coca Cola bjó til þúsundir af skiltum með frasanum "Ke-kou-ke-la" í kínversku letri en það þýddi "meri fyllt með vaxi" eftir mikla rannsókn með kínverskum aðilum á 40 þúsund táknum í Kína kom svo í ljós að "ko-kou-ko-le" þýðir "hamingja í munni".
Are my testicles black?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says,"There's nothing wrong with them!
"The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly,"That was very nice but listen very closely - are... my... test...results...back?
"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says,"There's nothing wrong with them!
"The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly,"That was very nice but listen very closely - are... my... test...results...back?
14.3.04
Flight attendant
The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvel has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super,"
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."
16.12.02
Fynd
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to
the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
__________
The senior choir invites any member of the
congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.
__________
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and
other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be
used to cripple children.
__________
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM.
Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread
and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
__________
For those of you who have children and don't
know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
__________
Please place your donation in the envelope along
with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
__________
Attend this meeting and you will hear an
excellent speaker and heave a ealthy lunch.
__________
The church will host an evening of fine dining,
superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
__________
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing
of every kind. They may be seen in the basement
on Friday afternoon.
__________
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing
in the park across from the Church. Bring a
blanket and come prepared to sin.
__________
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning
at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
__________
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of
the congregation would lend him their electric
girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
__________
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday
at 8 PM, Please use the back door.
__________
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
"Hamlet" in the Church basement on Friday at 7 PM.
The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
__________
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double
door at the side entrance.
the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
__________
The senior choir invites any member of the
congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.
__________
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and
other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be
used to cripple children.
__________
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM.
Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread
and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
__________
For those of you who have children and don't
know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
__________
Please place your donation in the envelope along
with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
__________
Attend this meeting and you will hear an
excellent speaker and heave a ealthy lunch.
__________
The church will host an evening of fine dining,
superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
__________
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing
of every kind. They may be seen in the basement
on Friday afternoon.
__________
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing
in the park across from the Church. Bring a
blanket and come prepared to sin.
__________
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning
at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
__________
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of
the congregation would lend him their electric
girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
__________
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday
at 8 PM, Please use the back door.
__________
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
"Hamlet" in the Church basement on Friday at 7 PM.
The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
__________
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double
door at the side entrance.